This year, it will not be on the list.
On my 30th birthday last year, I decided that it wasn't enough to just be thin, that skinny does not and has never meant that a person is automatically healthy. I have no idea why people assume that. In fact, my dietary choices were rather appalling (okay, fine, they kind of still are. I just really like beer, wine, and coffee, and I consider almond roca to be a perfectly valid breakfast option. I'm working on it). The fact is, there is no way to be healthy when you're completely sedentary and consume more sugar and carbs than a bulimic sorority girl who was just dumped by her boyfriend.
But, I decided to make a change for the better. I am less than 3 weeks away from making it to ONE YEAR of prioritizing fitness and health. And for once, I didn't make it about my physical appearance, or my weight. I did in the beginning, but now that I'm here in the final stretch, I realize my priorities had shifted somewhere along the way.
At 31, I will be healthier, stronger, and faster than I have ever been in my life. I will admit that there is virtually no visible OUTWARD change in the way I look (well, unless you're so privileged as to see me neeekkkkkkiiiiiiid! Whoooooo!) But really, this is no longer about vanity. The difference in appearance between me working out 5 days per week and me sitting on my ass watching entire seasons of Korean dramas on Hulu while funneling cheap wine down my throat... is negligible, as depressing as that might sound. If it WERE merely vanity, there is no way I would have carried on for an entire year of working out. Oddly enough, I am not bothered by that. I am learning to make peace with my body. I've had my ups and downs, but I no longer want to change the way I look. I'm not even sure how or when that happened. I am no longer obsessing over the number on a scale or thinking I'll magically be "hot" if I could just gain 10 lbs.
A few weeks ago, I read some very glowing reviews on a company that specializes in "petite lingerie" for us small-busted, small-framed, tiny people. I was excited. Ill-fitting bras are par for the course when you are outside of the "normal" spectrum of sizes (whether you are small like me, or on the opposite end and your boobs land somewhere in the middle of the alphabet... good luck finding ANYTHING in your size, let alone something cute or sexy).
Sometime between 23 and 30, I started moving away from that hatred of my thin frame and flat, boyish figure. I have learned to accept and even occasionally celebrate the negative space of my chest, and appreciate what my own husband always has: that I have my own understated sex appeal. I am not that "obvious" brand of sexy (and honestly, I don't want to be; all that attention sounds exhausting); I'm the kind that sneaks up on you and catches you by surprise. I know that physically, I am not everyone's cup of tea (more power to you if you love a woman with some kickin' curves!), but I am not bothered by it. At this age, I would MUCH rather be an "acquired taste". In fact, I smile about it.
This is how I look. And it's how I'm supposed to look. I will not fight my own body anymore, because it is worth so much more than the measurements of its parts, and was never meant to be merely decorative anyway. I am a well-oiled machine... that runs on beer and almond roca, but hey, I'm working on that. Baby steps, man.
My 31st birthday is rapidly approaching. There is a confidence and self-assurance that comes with age, and I have never been happier to no longer be a teenager, college student, or twenty-something. God I was whiny, bitchy, insecure, and mopey. If I had a time machine, I'd punch 23-year-old me in the face each and every time I stared in the mirror and sighed in that annoying way that I sigh (my husband knows what I'm talking about. It really is the most annoying of sighs).
I look forward to the rest of 2014. My only resolution? Keep being awesome. I place no conditions on it. For the first time in my life, I can't think of a single thing I would want to change.
...Well, I do kind of need a haircut though.